Scream Sobs. Powering Through. And A Wilderness that Burst into Bloom.

I laid face down on my bedroom floor feeling completely defeated, angry, and alone. Knowing my kids were in the living room, just outside my door, I closed my lips, clenched my teeth, and did my best to muffle the scream sob (is that a thing?) that appeared out of nowhere, erupting from deep within my gut. I feared that once the tears began to flow, they would never stop and because I had children who needed me, I did my best “boot strappin” and worked to pick myself off the floor. I gave myself a good ol’ pep talk with the perfect blend of scripture and self help.

You can do this. You’ll get through this.

God will fight for you. You need only be still.

Get up. Pick up your mat. Walk.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways, acknowledge him, he will make your paths straight.

I picked myself up, wiped off the tears, splashed water on my face, and did my best to “life.” But I felt more like a zombie than I did “lifey.”

This cycle repeated itself day after day- for how long, honestly, I’m not sure.

In between the muffled scream sobs, I stayed busy. From the outside it appeared “all was more than well.”

I built a huge business, sat with people in their hard moments, coached people to victory- all the while giving away what I so desperately needed for myself- presence- someone to bear witness to my story, to hold space for my broken heart. I needed perspective, comfort, and healing.

All of my “trying,” my running, my overflowing calendar, my stuffing of the pain……the

“Success”

“Income”

“New Friends”

“Ladder Climbing”

None of it really did the trick.

It took me a while to realize my methods sucked. I couldn’t outrun the grief demanding to be felt, expressed, cared for. I had bought the lie that these types of things were best left unspoken and “handled” internally. I partnered with the optics- reasoning that if I appeared to be in the light, I could outrun the dark cloud over my life.

I did my best to bring it to God. But, I was “kind of” mad at him. I didn’t want to admit just how angry I was. I feared it wasn’t exactly how a woman of faith should feel. And, considering church hurt was what put me in this position, the last thing I wanted to do was admit I was as human as the people who brought me harm.

At the end of my rope I found myself secretly isolated. I had the appearance of community, but as it turns out, true community requires I actually show up- not just my physical body- but all of me.

I was exhausted,

Disconnected from myself, from others, from God.

I carried a weariness that made my bones ache.

I found solace in the book of Job- I felt seen by him.

“I cannot eat for sighing; my groans pour out like water.

What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true.

I have no peace, no quietness. I have no rest; only trouble comes.” Job 3:25-26

“I, have been assigned months of futility,

long and weary nights of misery. Lying in bed, I think, ‘When will it be morning?’

But the night drags on, and I toss till dawn…..

\My days fly faster than a weaver’s shuttle.

They end without hope. O God, remember that my life is but a breath,

and I will never again feel happiness.” Job 7:3, 6-7.

I wasn’t living.

I was deep in a wilderness, and without light, it felt like a death sentence, my season, a casket.

My prayer? “Get me out of here, God.”

There was an answer, a whisper so soft I almost missed it. “What if this season is a cocoon and not a casket; a womb and not a tomb.”

It wasn’t a “ride-in-on-a-white -horse-and -save-the girl” kind of moment.

Nor did it lead to the end of my difficulties.

it was an invitation to see my HARD as HOLY.

My dark cloud started pouring rain.

The Kingdom of Heaven in my living room.

In the days that followed- (sooo many days) I searched for the beauty in my wilderness.

I explored with curiosity, wondering what God might be developing and growing within me, what He might want to heal. I asked, “who do you want to be for me here, oh Lord?”

Comforter. Redeemer. Defender. One Who Sees & Knows.

I stopped fearing my inability to see what was ahead- God became my vision.

“Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days.The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses.Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy! The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon, as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon. There the Lord will display his glory,the splendor of our God. Isaiah 35:1-2

My wilderness burst into bloom. Waters gushed forth. Streams in the desert.

He strengthened. He steadied. He spoke tenderly.

This wilderness woman (that’s me) encountered the love of God- Wild Hope danced across the field of my life and a pathway appeared- it led me to the wide-open spacious life.

I live here now.

And I look back in wonder and awe.

That wilderness was FOR me

A cocoon, not a casket.

A womb, not a tomb.

Your friend,

Sunny